Thursday 5 March 2020

The most awkward, 'unkindest' question that you should never ask a person!!!

When are you going to get married?

Continuing on the ‘unsaid’ from Ibsen’s A Doll’s House!

Nora: You mustnt be angry with me. Tell me, is it really true that you did not love your husband? Why did you marry him?

Mrs Linde: My mother was alive then, and was bedridden and helpless, and I had to provide for my two younger brothers; so I did not think I was justified in refusing his offer.

Well, this above little conversation between Nora and her long-lost friend Mrs Linde highlights the prejudiced social norms and expectations that stifle agency, and restrict one’s ability to act independently, especially with regard to the woman!

This restraining and the constraining of one’s identity because of social norms and expectations leads not only to a mental crisis but also to a despair of life in general!

As such, any little deviation from the socially expected norms is then considered to  be an aberration in such a constrained-value system!

Rachel Blau DuPlessis, an eminent feminist scholar rightly points out that, Most 19th-century female protagonists have two options presented before them when coming of age: marriage, the socially acceptable option for young women; or death, the end result for those young women who deviate from socially expected norms. 

These social normatives  and cultural codes, which are synonymous with patriarchal normatives and their ‘dictatorial’ dictates on society, have always been biased against the silenced and stigmatized, especially as concerns the woman! As a consequence, these prejudiced norms end up biasing everyone against the oppressed and the suppressed womenfolk in the general scheme of things.

Well, these ‘marriages of convenience’, were a common occurrence in Western societies of the 19th century and hence her observations!

It’s no wonder then that almost all our films - be it in the south, the north, the east or the west - have always centred around the predominant theme of love, followed by opposition to love, vanquishing of the villain, and finally, and finallyyyy, boy and girl marryyyyy! ;-) Life’s lakshya achieved! Life’s purpose solved! ;-)

Marriage then is expected to become the end result of a young adult’s life!

Or

Marriage then is scheduled, by default, to become the ultimate destination of a young adult’s life journey!

And these are the stupidest cultural stereotypes and dictates given by a heavily financed ooops ;-) heavily biased and predominantly patriarchal set up that has gripped society!

As we litterateurs would have been familiar with, in our tryst with literatures from across the world, all tragedies are -  by default - ‘fated’ to end up with the death of the hero or the lead character, while all comedies are ‘fated’ to end up with the marriage or the nuptial union ;-) of the boy and the girl!

As if marriage were the ultimate aim and the sole destination of a person’s life!

How stupid a value system that has been forced on unsuspecting young adults!

How prejudiced a value system that has been shoved down the minds and hearts of the young and the old alike!

When a young girl or boy is at last done with their studies, the next thing these ‘caring’ elders ask them is,


‘So when is your marriage?’

‘Aren’t you still married? Why ba? why?’ ;-)

‘Not married as yet?’

‘Paavam, Poor kid, hasn’t got herself/himself a good spouse as yet!!!’

‘How long are you going to remain a spinster/bachelor?’

These are words of hurt, or could we call it, poisonous fangs of hurt, that do more harm than good to the vibrant, lovely, cherubic body, mind and soul of a young boy or a young girl!

When someone has the guts and the audacity to ask you this question, please observe a minute’s silence for their stupidity! For their blinkered/tinkered views to the meaning and the purpose of life!

Their patriarchally-conditioned mindset has made them spew such venom on unsuspecting young boys and girls!

Making them a victim to the ploys and the viles of the biased value system!

These gender gaps then – the huge gaps in parity between the sexes – has not really narrowed down over the ages!

In fact, although Ibsen staged his controversial play, ‘A Doll’s House’ way back in the 19th century, to vituperative attacks and insults galore, even today society is yet to wake up from its Rip Van Winklish slumber on this count!

Not much seems to have been done to bridge the gap! The gender gap!

The World Development Report 2012, on Gender Equality and Development published by The International Bank for Reconstruction and Development, gives beautiful guidelines for promoting women’s agency.

Their studies across nations and continents the world over, seems to point to a very distressing scenario on gender parity!

To bridge the bias, they have outlined and emphasized on the fact that the woman needs to have agency for herself!

And these outcomes, or expressions of agency, are -

Control over resources—measured by women’s ability to earn and control income and to own, use, and dispose of material assets.
Ability to move freely—measured by women’s freedom to decide their movements and their ability to move outside their homes.
Decision making over family formation—measured by women’s and girls’ ability to decide when and whom to marry, when and how many children to have, and when to leave a marriage.
Freedom from the risk of violence—measured by the prevalence of domestic violence and other forms of sexual, physical, or emotional violence.
Ability to have a voice in society and influence policy—measured by participation and representation in formal politics and engagement in collective action and associations.

In this regard, they even cite from a few voices! – Here go a few of them!

What I make and what I buy with my own money makes me happy.
Adult Woman, Vietnam

Now women can decide, there is family planning. Before, the man used to tell the woman how many children to have.
Adult woman, Burkina Faso

When you die, your property is distributed by your relatives, and does not go to your wife or daughter. If you have a son, all property will belong to the son.
Young woman, Afghanistan

They [divorced women] come to their parental home after divorce, but they get no alimony or share of the property from the husband’s side, nor do they get any share of the parental property. . . . In some cases, they are forced to remarry an elderly man so that they can earn a living by working in their master’s or husband’s field.
Adult woman, India

Women know about laws on discrimination, but they are violated in real life. They are asked whether they will marry at job interviews or are fired when they become pregnant.
Woman, Serbia

We don’t know our rights. We don’t know laws very well. Not beating your wife—is that in the laws?
Woman, Burkina Faso

A sordid indictment of the value system that has indoctrinated our minds and hearts over the years!

Let me end with a real-life incident that I heard from my good friends of late, just over a week ago! (Their names will always remain anonymous, though!)

A winner-professor who doubles up as a pious preacher and dances to hallelujah jigs on the pulpit, ;-) is now headhunting for a bride for his son! His precious son you see! His expensive son you see! His costly son you see! ;-) His MCP son you see! ;-)

And the only condition that this ‘disastrously’ spiritual professor has given out is that, one huge hospital with one crore rupees as dowry and an equal amount in gold!

What a piece of pulpity-piety!

That’s hence Charles Lamb says,

All good people need not necessarily be religious!
All religious people need not necessarily be good!

I don’t know how such bigoted minds have the guts to step on to the pulpit and wax labo labo and preach from the Scriptures and dance to Hallelujah – jigs!

It’s time to break free of this wretched and biased value system!

Again, it’s time to look cheap and look down upon such bigoted minds who ask a young girl or a young boy, ‘When are you going to get married’?

So the next time when a senior citizen who is so very ‘concerned’ about you and your future, , ;-) comes up to you and asks you this clichΓ©d stupid question, ‘When are you going to get married?’

You give them a dignified retort, ‘When are you going to die?’

That solves the problem, hands down, ain’t it? ;-)

image: makeamemedotcom