"Kiss the lady’s hand? I think you’re making a slight mistake, brother. I’m not lovesick; I’m starving" 😍

25 June 1996 | The Pie & the Tart

#memoriesfromdiaries 💕

25 June 1996 - A quarter century ago!] 😇

Holidays for me, always included one of my favourite pastimes - trying my hand at baking cakes.

Well, I had some little interest in baking cakes, a hobby that I’d learnt from my dear Amma, who to me, is the bestest bakester in town! 😍

Whenever Amma is inclined to bake cakes for all of us, I would be the first to take a seat beside her, with the utmost care not to disturb the cake-batter that was in the making, and eagerly doing her bidding as the most dutiful, most obedient nalla chella fella in town! 😋

As days went by, after having learnt to an extent the finer nuances of baking, I was a kutty little confident, [so to say] and hence decided to launch out full throttle, on caking nay baking, all by myself, especially and exclusively when no one was around. 😋

And as the formula of the ‘apprentice wallah’ goes –

If it came out well, everyone gets a slice of the cake!

Else, the jelly stuff is quietly offloaded without leaving a trace! 😋

This particular day, I did the cake batter and made it sit a few hours, before I began on my ‘ordeal with the oven’, in right earnest, over the night.

Evenings, I used to make those sweet solo visits to the lone library in town!

Well, back then, in the 1990s, when no other entertainment was available for the lay, [except Oliyum Oliyum on Fridays on DD], people of all walks of life used to make a beeline to the library for their quota of news, and obviously relaxation as well.

So finding yourself a seat in the library was usually a big deal and an ordeal in itself!

On the theatre front,

Nawaz and myself were always part and parcel of our school’s theatre group!

On this particular day, he had asked me for a memorable photo from the Play in which we both had acted together [on the humorous one-act play by Hugh Chesterman, titled, The Pie and the Tart, set in 15th century France!].

In the play,

Jean (Nawaz) and Pierre (myself) are beggars. 

As the play opens, we both pity ourselves for being hungry and not having taken any food for the past few days. 

Nawaz and I, are then shown roaming around the street, as the proverbial vagabond, as we don’t have a home for ourselves. 

The play is about how we both trick the pastry shop owners into giving us an eel pie and a cranberry tart.

The play evoked ripples of laughter from all and sundry, across the auditorium, more because of Nawaz and his amazing way at theatrics!

He was quite a wizard at acting! 👌

Just a few humorous lines from off Jean and Pierre’s dialogues for us all to enjoy over the weekend -

Nawaz (Jean) and Rufus (Pierre), in 'The Pie and the Tart'

Pierre: (Rufus) says, to Jean (Nawaz) - 

To my mind the pie had but one fault.

Jean: (Nawaz): And that?

Pierre: Its singularity. There should have been two. Listen, my Jean. When I was waiting at M. Gaultier’s door, I saw a tart. It was on a shelf just outside the kitchen. I think it was a cranberry tart. I was allowed one glimpse of it and the vision faded. But it was a tart to dream about: succulent, spiced, sugared, white as a maid’s bosom: the very tart to sit affably on a foundation of eel pie. I see no reason why the tart should not be ours. Would not you like to go and fetch it?

JEAN: But how?

PIERRE: You know the formula, “M. Gaultier sends me”, etc., and the hand of Madame Gaultier is both small and white. Believe me, you will enjoy the experience.

GAULTIER : I have it. I’ll tell the messenger, when I have found him, to kiss your hand. That will be the sign and you’ll know that everything is all right.

MARION (laughing): Well, choose a good-looking one. (Coyly): Madame Gaultier’s hand is not for everyone to kiss.

(JEAN who has overheard all the foregoing, sits pondering. Presently enter PIERRE)

PIERRE: Any luck?

JEAN: Yes — and no.

PIERRE: What does that mean?

JEAN (after a pause) : Look here. Are you ready to do exactly as I tell you? And no questions asked?

PIERRE: I’ll do anything to keep my stomach quiet.

JEAN: Very well. Now listen. I am going into the next street. Directly I am gone, go up to the door, knock on it and say.....

PIERRE: Thanks. I’ve been there once today already. I got what I expected. (Mimicking M GAULTIER’S pompous manner.) “Go away, beggar! Go away; I’m busy. Go into the next street.” Bah! (He spits.)

JEAN: Never mind about that. Listen. I say directly I am gone, go up to the door and knock on it. The lady will come to the door.....

PIERRE: But how do you....

JEAN: Don’t interrupt. The lady will come to the door. When she does so you will take her hand and kiss it.

PIERRE: Kiss the lady’s hand? I think you’re making a slight mistake, brother. I’m not lovesick; I’m starving.

JEAN: Wait. That’s not all. When you have kissed her hand you will say, “Madam, I am sent by M. Gaultier to fetch the pie.” She will then give you a large eel pie and .....

PIERRE: And the heavens will open; roast fowl and nectarines will be seen to rain upon us from the clouds, and champagne will be heard gurgling in the gutters. Where did you learn this conjuring trick?

JEAN: Very well. Believe it or not as you like. The point is: are you hungry, or are you not?

PIERRE: (rubbing his waist-line) Hungry? I’ve a hollow in here that all the birds of the air could nest in.

JEAN: Then do as I tell you. If it doesn’t come off, never trust me again. But it will.

PIERRE: Criminy, Jean, I believe you’re serious!

JEAN: Of course I’m serious.

PIERRE: All right. I’ll do it.

JEAN: Good.

PIERRE: Tell me again. What do I have to do?

JEAN: It’s all quite simple. Go up and knock at the door and say, “Please, Madam, M. Gaultier has sent me for the eel pie.” She won’t give it to you till you have kissed her hand. That’s important.

PIERRE: But suppose the husband comes to the door?

JEAN: He won’t. He’s out. I happen to know it. Never mind how, but I do. Now, I’m going round the corner. I shall be back in five minutes, and don’t you start dinner till I come!

(Exit JEAN, R. PIERRE knocks on the door. MARION answers it.)

PIERRE: Good morning, lady. I have come from M. Pie, who sends me to fetch the Gaultier - I should say I have come from M. Gaultier, who sends me to fetch the pie - the eel pie.

MARION: And how am I to know you are his messenger?

PIERRE: Ah! (Coyly.) Allow me, lady, to kiss your hand.

(He attempts to seize her hand, but MARION snatches it away.)

MARION: All right. That will do. Wait there and I will get it. (Exit and reappears with pie.) Here it is. Take care how you carry it. It’s a very good pie.

PIERRE: Rest assured, lady, I shall take the greatest care of it. As a carrier of eel pies I claim to be second to none in all Paris. It shall travel thus, close to my bosom. As a mother with her bantlings, as a shepherd with his ewes, as St. Ursula with her maidens, so will I play the guardian angel with this pie. It shall.......

MARION: Be off, then. And don’t waste time in getting there.

(She closes the door. After she had gone PIERRE stands holding the pie as if stupefied. He then places it carefully on the bench and sits beside it. He gazes at it lovingly, prodding it now and then with his fingers.)

PIERRE: This must be a dream; and presently I shall wake. One of those dreams that are too good to last. I know, because I’ve had them once or twice before.

(Picking up the pie tenderly and sniffing it.) Good dream, last a little longer. Just now I haven’t the very least desire to wake up. 😍